I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh god it's open bar.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
