I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
