One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
