im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
