I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
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i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
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I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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