sarcasm needs its own font
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
