I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Text me some of your sweat
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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