How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
