Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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