I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
