if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
