My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
