the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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