You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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