Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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