you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
