god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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