he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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