There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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