Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.