So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
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i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME