Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
