Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
