Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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