You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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