i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
