I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
