I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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