i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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