So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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