Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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