I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
