history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
