How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
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I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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