you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
