Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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