I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
