I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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