And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize