I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize