I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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