We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
