that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
