my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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