apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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