No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
