**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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