I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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