Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
