This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
