I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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