apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
COCAINE IS GR8
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
