I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
How naked do you want me to be?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
