Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize